Where Did I Go Wrong?

I was a promising child. No genius or anything, but I was smart. Got good grades, participated in whatever stuff my parents would allow. I wasn't allowed to leave my yard for the most part. Plenty of the other kids around me could run all over (including my brothers) and I was always jealous of it. For my life, I know where I went wrong.

Where I wonder, is with my children. I've always taught them about the right thing Taught them that learning is very important. I've put them above everything else. Now that they are reaching teenage years.

A has been doing this battle with me for a few years now (he's 2 months away from 15 as I write this). He wants to be removed from the home ever since going to respite in New York. He saw how fun it was for his temporary stay and figures that anywhere he goes that's not home is going to be like that. So far, he's been right. His stay in a mental hospital was mostly playing video games according to what he told me. That and not having chores is enough to make it better than here. I know that he also has respect for new people and his friends. But he comes home in a rage often and then somehow I'm the one that started it. I guess I did that by just existing. He is becoming a delinquent and I have absolutely no control. What I say to him doesn't matter unless he can find a way to twist it into a reason to break my house or one of the professionals are around. He makes threats if I don't let him leave.

K (two months from being 12 as I write this) had started bullying D for the last two years or so. She still has soft feelings when it is her being corrected (at home) or picked on (at school), but she sure can dish it. According to her, every time I correct her it is yelling and every time I say she can't leave because she hasn't done her chores I hate her. When I give her a certain time she can go somewhere she tells her friends earlier. I don't even like her leaving the property yet, but I suck it up because everyone else around me makes me feel I'm wrong for believing she shouldn't be running off so much at her age. She has been lying in messages to people about how I would feel about certain things about herself, about what I think on certain issues, and saying I'd kick her out for something that is not a big deal to me. Apparently she talks about "our business" to her friends (one 'friend' told me this). She makes up so much that I doubt she's really talking about our business. What's worse is that I feel as though all the other adults in the situation are condoning this.

Z has been disrespectful to me almost since I met his father and it is only getting worse. I'm female so to him I'm shit. He doesn't get punished for it because he won't listen to me and no one else punishes him for it.

H has just left me out of her life except to be a middle man for her father when she has his number.

For H and Z, I have been their caretaker for the last 5 years, so would have thought I'd matter just a little. Enough not to be treated like trash. The more I think about it, the more I realize A, K, and D started acting like that towards me since being around H and Z. Mine used to have more respect for me, but between the new family members and other outside influences they have learned that I am nothing. And I'm pretty much powerless to correct this.

I'm being told to seek counseling. What would that help though? I'd only be doing what I do here and maybe being given suggestions. I've tried so many suggestions but they never work for long. I'm at the point that I just look forward to them growing up and out so that I can be alone. I love my kids but I'm emotionally/mentally and physically beat. Sometimes the latter is very literal.