Goodreads

Theresa's books

Roc and a Hard Place
Geis of the Gargoyle
Harpy Thyme
Demons Don't Dream
The Color of Her Panties
Question Quest
Isle of View
Man from Mundania
Heaven Cent
Crewel Lye
Golem in the Gears
Vale of the Vole
Dragon on a Pedestal
Ogre, Ogre
Witch's Halloween: A Complete Guide to the Magick, Incantations, Recipes, Spells, and Lore
The Book of Runes: A Handbook for the Use of an Ancient Oracle: The Viking Runes with Stones
The Diary of a Young Girl
Eragon
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
The Hobbit


Theresa's favorite books »

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Another Loss

DO NOT WEEP 

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

~ Author Unknown 

Mom went January 23, 2012 of COPD.  
She would have been 62 years old just five days later.
Mrs Frances Rios used to write the Taft CommUnity newsletter that many of the elderly at the time had loved. She was also a volunteer until she started getting seriously sick. 



Manny Jr (my oldest brother) went January 5, 2016 of a heart attack. 

He would have been 46 in March of that year.


 

Damon (my 3rd brother) was pronounced dead today at 11:42 am. Damon made it on news stations. Including Fox35 and these below.

Update: Friday Feb 16, 2018 - First Baptist Church is holding a memorial service this Sunday, the 18th at 7 p.m. Potluck, asked to bring a dish to share and a canned food item for Damon’s food pantry.
He was an organ donor, his organs helped save four people's lives.



Several others I cared a lot about have passed in the last few years as well. I'm only 35. 



I feel as though I know loss way too well already. I know I'm not the only one out there, but this sucks. I cry hard for a minute and then just feel the deep sadness, or even a numbness. Well, for everyone but my mom. She was the biggest part of my life and I still cry over losing her. Some say boohoo, I know. 



I see a counselor and finally got a copy of my full evaluation. I suffer from major depression. I knew I had depression but didn't know it was considered that bad. I still get up and do what I have to out of necessity for my kids. I know some people can't do that much when they feel it hitting. I don't blame you.


Mental illness is a big deal for those that have to endure it. It is something they need to work through with help. It's not simple to cope with. Some needs meds, some don't. I'm losing my train of thought, so am just gonna leave this as is for now. 

Friday, February 2, 2018

HOPING

Got a place to live. The seasonal job has ended. I got a prospecting job to check out Friday, but that doesn't look like it'll be doable. My son is in a facility, for now, that will determine what they think his needs are. He has plans to run away with a girlfriend and help her take care of her little sister. My girls are seemingly happy in their new schools. Basically, it's a relatively normal mix of good and bad in a not so normal situation.

The place we moved to is a HUD apartment complex based on income. First time I ever lived in one of these places and I'm mixed about it. I kind of feel like I'm living in a prison. Some friend said, "At least you have your own place". But the amount and type of rules don't quite feel like my own. I'm grateful I have a place I won't be kicked out of based on inability to pay rent, but there are so many other reasons to be kicked out that it looks a little bleak.

My awesome seasonal job is now done until the new season. Pretty sure I'm wanted to come back because my name was put on a list for next season. I definitely want to go back. A friend that worked at that job with me let me know of another one the temp agency is hiring for. It's 30 minutes away and I don't have a car. I need to work just while the kids are in school and pretty much no place is like that. I'm going to go to the orientation and see if it can be worked out though.

At this moment, my son is in a facility to try to determine his real needs. I was told it's a good possibility that will be out of home placement for a while because he's definitely a candidate for that kind of suggestion. That's the kind of thing I've continuously tried to avoid but will do whatever is thought will be best to help him succeed in life and stop going the route he has been going. I can still see this sweetness in his eyes sometimes. I know jail will tear that out of him. I'm hoping he will start thinking and stop going the way he has been going. He told his caseworker he plans to get a job, move out with his girlfriend, and help her take care of her little sister of whom she supposedly has custody. This girl is 16 and I know still lives with her mother so I think something has been mistranslated.

My daughters like their new schools so far. The older one was really skeptical before going, but she seems to have warmed up to it after actually going. The youngest likes her schools too but says she's already being picked on. She also tells me that her teacher said it's not serious unless it's physical. Considering all these kids committing suicide for this kind of crap I don't know how she figures this. Hopefully, what I tell my daughter about the things other people say sticks more than the garbage they say to her.

First and foremost - anyone feeling the need to cut someone else down usually has a problem with them self or within their life. I also let her know that when she stops caring what they say will be when she is happier.
When someone tells her she's ugly -  I told her we are all ugly to someone but beautiful to someone else.
When someone tells her she is stupid - you're not, your grades and ability to catch on academically prove that. Most kids nowadays could use some more common sense though.
If they hit her, she has my permission to hit back because she doesn't have to take it. I just expect her not to be the one to start that crap.

Those are the only things I can think of right now.

I titled this hoping because I try to keep hoping things will still get better than they are. I'm mostly content at the moment, albeit a lot anxious.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

My son is MIA again

I don't have a car. I borrow one sometimes but it's not mine. I know this is why he does this. I can't just go looking for him and his dumbass friends. He left yesterday at 3 without permission to leave the neighborhood. I went ahead to be at 830p and he was supposed to be home by 9. I get a call at 4 am from my friend that he was just driving a red suburban and almost ran into her light pole. I messaged his court counselor but there isn't much I can do. I'm so tired of this. He just doesn't listen to me and the system doesn't do anything to him. It's me that has to serve his time and get complained at.

I honestly hope he wrecks that car. Then maybe he and the moron letting him drive will learn.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

What A Shitty Year

Since other people like to talk about me I'm just gonna out it all myself.  I've made a lot of dumb mistakes over the years and apparently just keep on doing so.

In June, my son tells his counselors that my now ex TRIED(this is caps because some dumbasses don't seem to see the word. I've been molested, there's a fucking difference) to molest my daughter and they call the police. Because of the situation, I told him I couldn't be with him even if it's not true because that will always be on my mind. If I believed it more at the time I would have killed him instead of trying to wake him and tell him this. He goes next door to his mom's while I'm trying to figure out a way to go back to my family in Florida. I was set to leave Saturday for Florida and got arrested on Friday for failure to report/prevent abuse. I spent a week in jail and my daughter's friend's family says I can stay with them so I get let out. Half a week later I get my kids back because they were only in state custody for me being arrested. I'm STILL going to court on this so still can't leave. I have left my exes name out of shit but he continues to talk shit about me. Why haven't I fucking left, BECAUSE I CAN'T YOU FUCKING MORON! I don't have the resources your spoiled ass does and am fucking stuck!

Now he hasn't been to jail or anything but continues to bitch from what I get to hear even though I'd rather just go on with life and forget those five years existed.

While I was in jail they did the procedure of checking my daughter. From my experience, that's a rod they stick in you and hurts like a bitch. So traumatize a child more is the way to go even when no one actually got there. In July, I get a letter from child services saying the case is closed because according to statutes I didn't neglect or abuse my child. I'm still going through court though. It keeps getting continued.

The other reason I may not leave if I can find a place is that my children have their mental health and everything established here and it's a royal pain in the ass to try transferring all that. My daughter is playing basketball.

The other bs going on is my son. He was kicked out for about a week for tearing up these people's house. They let him back in after child services got involved again and he starts running away but telling people he is kicked out again. He can be a real sweetheart, but that's reserved for people not trying to help or take care of him. He's always been a damn hard child. It's not new that he acts up. I get told I should whoop him or to let someone else to it by those who see it. I've also been told I should get rid of him by another ex. He's my son though so I keep trying. Not hard enough for some of course. I've been working since August in a job that ends soon and haven't been able to save a penny because I've been paying rent, buying toiletries, and some emergency to spend what I make always comes up. I've been applying to places with no responses. So his sisters and I have no where to go but a shelter that is too far for me to make it to court.

I want to just give up. When I try to change things for the better, there's seems to be others pushing me back and I'm just tired of trying. My son has the innate ability to make adults act his age rather than their own and I'm tired of trying to keep peace. Everyone tells me what I should do but no one actually helps. I've tried all suggestions. I'm not the only one in any situation and have found that just me doesn't make a difference at all. So I've started just keeping quiet and becoming more and more depressed. When I get my shit together (if ever), everyone I don't absolutely have to talk to will never hear from me again.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Being thankful

I decided to post what I'm thankful for because I need to remind myself.

1) I'm thankful that I have had people that helped me in my life.

2) I'm thankful that I have my children.

3) I'm thankful that I've known what love feels like.

4) I'm thank that I have people that care.

5) I'm thankful that I have a job I enjoy.

6) I'm thankful that I have a roof over my children's head even if it's not mine.

7) I'm thankful that my children have food.