I Wish Depression Didn't Exist

From https://pixabay.com/en/design-face-eye-dialogue-talk-2808307/

Written 5/14/2018 but I waited to post so that I could reevaluate what I wrote.

I woke up today feeling like complete garbage. Wanting to cry my heart out with no perceivable reason in my thoughts. Worrying about it and making it worse. I just wanted to stay in bed. I got up, got the littlest up, got myself ready for court, and made myself some coffee. After I got her to school I took care of a few short things and left. I kept telling myself everything is OK, there's no reason to be upset. When I was in court I started crying. Not loudly or anything, just tears rolling and my nose getting stuffy. I couldn't completely hold it back. I tried like hell but lost that battle. 

Now I do actually have something to be upset about so it is uncontrollable, but I'm home so who cares if I'm balling like a baby. At least people don't actually see it happening and no one gets the pleasure of giving me shit about it.  Also no one is 'trying to help', they can't help me. Days are up and down and I have to try to settle my brain on my own. I just wish I could still not let people's ignorance hurt me on days like today.

I wish I could control this because I'll be damned if I enjoy anyone seeing me cry. My son asked me what was wrong and I told him it's just a depression episode. It doesn't ever fully go away for me but I have some much better days than others. He accepted that and told me "you'll be OK, mom." That made it easier to hold back the crying. But someone else's nasty tone of voice sure made it harder. I know people think I do it for attention or sympathy when like this. That's their problem if they get angry with me for something I honestly can't control, not mine. Angry, sad, happy...all of that makes me cry today. Despite having this feeling of hopelessness today, it was nice to feel that my son has some confidence in me again. He is accepting of the fact that he made a pretty big mistake and a few little ones. I have told him we'll get through this. but he has got to learn to keep control of himself just as I do of myself. The new charge is a bit complicated. He might be able to come home soon. I hope so because I really believe he is going to start trying again and I am going to help him in whatever way I can.

My 12-year-old has started talking to her father. She came to me and told me she wanted to so I found his step-father's email address and gave him a way that her father can contact her. I wasn't sure if he would since the last thing he said to me before not even trying for years was that he was my pimp. Didn't even ask how she was doing or anything (she was maybe 2 at that time), just wrote me via Myspace to degrade me because I'd supposedly slept with someone while pregnant with her and he made them pay him. My response at the time was just that I wish I really had done what he was accusing me of. A couple years ago he said he wanted to speak to her but we didn't have any phones at the time and she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to him. When she came to me that she wanted to and since she has her own phone, I got them talking. She's been acting like she can't stand me since her brother went to the boot camp he was in right before his new charge. In fact, the only ones she actually seems to be happy with are the ones in her little friend circle and her new found family. Her happiness around me is pretty much nonexistent at this point. Her grades this year have also dropped significantly from what they were before our last move.

My smallest is doing OK. She says she is constantly picked on in school and I've talked to the school about it but it's apparently not bullying and they are working on some counseling groups with the children. My littlest is truly my mini-me. She looks the most like me according to everyone and she is also going through much of the BS I did. Hopefully, she'll get the F-it attitude I had in high school and keep that about people. I didn't keep it after high school and really wish I had. I gotta get the ball rolling on her seeing someone so she doesn't end up being the same wreck I tend to be.

My father is doing OK for now. He is in a facility to work on his motor skills after being in the hospital for severe dehydration, enlarged prostate issue, and another stroke affecting the control center of the brain. He doesn't understand why he is in this facility so it makes things tough. It isn't looking good for me to visit this summer although I'd really like to.

There are some good things too:

I have been seeing someone for quite some time now and things are going great. He's a good person as far as I can tell and he includes my children and treats them well.  Well, my daughters since my son hasn't been around. But my son knows him. In fact, my 15 and 12-year-old knew him before I did.  My 9-year-old likes him too. She just doesn't behave well for anyone. We've started keeping chickens. Well, he has, I'm just helping in whatever way I can and that will be another blog post later.

So far we are doing well at the apartment the kids and I have and haven't had problems with any of my neighbors. My favorite person here had to move. 

The kids are physically healthy.

... 

That's all I have for now on my train-wreck life.