So Many Thoughts

1. There's a pastor in my neighborhood (I'm in a pretty religious area so there's a few and it generally doesn't bother me because I do have faith, I just try not to shove it down people's throats) that has been singling me out that I'm supposed to help her. The more I talk to her the more aggravated I'm getting with this. I believe that if God really spoke to you, you'd know how to better get help from me. It sure ain't bringing up the fact that you are a minister of God and that you're supposed to get help (even if it isn't said as directly me). It's not dropping all those hints either. If you need my help you ask. Just like I have to actually ask for help even though I hate asking. My dad taught me God helps those who help themselves. I may not have liked him or agreed on many things, but there are things he said I believe to be true.
2. People look at me and see that I look white so they think I had it easy.  There are times that if my skin color was seen before my last name, yes, things worked in my favor. I will admit that I know it has happened. However, the flip side is that when my last name was seen first it worked the opposite. There are also times my last name has worked to my advantage. I'm not as naive as people think I am. The fact that I don't actually speak any Spanish dialect well hinders me.
3. I'm a single mom and make it work some of the time so people tend to think I have more than I do. I get my bills paid, but it's very hard to do. I don't get any child support. I do receive food stamps and I do work my ass off to make what I can for the bills - no welfare or social security that two of my children should probably be on. Every item of clothing we have in my home is a hand-me-down in some fashion or someone has bought as a gift for one of us. All of my furniture was given to me by generous people who would rather see them go to someone than the trash. I attribute this to my kindness towards those people rather than my skin color. I help how I can but cannot stand when people expect the help because they think I have an imagined advantage over them.
4. My current boyfriend is very good to me. Especially considering he has to tear down walls that I've put in place. My previous one was also good to me for the most part but was not, as my children are now telling me, good to them when I wasn't around. I do know they could possibly be making a portion of it up or exaggerating. But I will choose my children over anyone and anything in this world. 
5. I'm being told how I should discipline my children by everyone around me. I do spank at times, it takes something pretty serious for that kind of correction. But I will not beat them because you think I should for something that bothers you more than it does me. I will also tell them how I see it and not sugar coat it more for those of you that think I'm too harsh. You can't please everyone and I have my reasons for doing things the way I do them. 
6. I miss my son. He has been so hard to handle for so many years and I know this boot camp he's enrolled in is helping him, but I miss him like crazy. 
7. I'm trying to save to see my dad, who was in the hospital recently. Well, he still is really he is being observed and tested. He will be going to a facility to try to help him regain some motor control. I know he'll never get all that much better. He's in his 70s, after all. I started a 'GoFundMe' for this and it's being seen but only got help from a couple people that know me. I do realize my kids seeing him before he dies is not important in this world compared to what else is out there. Seeing family after you move is a bit of a luxury. I just hope my children won't resent me too much if we can't. I don't like that I have to move money to my account as it comes in. That makes it seem like I have money I really don't because it's for a specific purpose.
8. My 12-year-old is becoming darker than I would like. I miss her shine. Seeing that beautiful innocence leave your child is heartbreaking even though you know the reasons behind it.

That's where my current sleep-breaking thoughts end. I hope I didn't darken anyone's day much, but I'm getting them out there for anyone that may need to see they are not alone.