LIFE KEEPS GOING

It's been oh-so eventful...

So I got myself in trouble trying to keep the house, which turned out to be a bit of a money pit. I should've known a 100-year-old house would be falling apart. Realistically, it needs new electrical all around. It works, but it costs too much, and good wiring tends to stay on the lower end even in this economy. Gas heating is overrated. I had gotten into a relationship with someone that could be as violent as my son. So now I have holes to fix. I let someone rent it for a short time and their kids have torn it up further. During this time I've also struggled with essential homelessness.

I started staying at a friend's to help clean up the place and care for their pet. After their husband died I started trying to sell their stuff for them. She would have succeeded in selling some things if she didn't want outrageous amounts for the age and the fact that the area is cheap. Well, they kept trying to talk me into setting a room up for the baby (I was nearing the end of a pregnancy by this point) and I didn't because I didn't feel I'd need to be there long enough to bother.  But I was there two months and nowhere near done before they said they sold the house in order to get me to move. I had given my other friend a 6-month lease in my home because I figured that's how long I would need to take care of the other's home. So here I am essentially homeless. During all of this I realized her trying to talk me into creating a baby room was for her niece who was just as pregnant as I. I cut ties because I also realize this isn't the first time she pulled shady crap like that. Offering me help and cutting it short for whatever hair got up her bottom. She tries to play my mother more than my friend regardless of the countless times I keep trying to remind people my parents passed away. 

My other friend has let her kids tear up things that were at the house before I bought it. Two very nice planters that I found cost over $200, so I'll not be able to replace them any time soon. I'm going to do what I can to fix it back up a bit and sell it at this point. I can't stand my neighbor. I don't like people who try to dictate the lives of others. That's a story for another time.

The Rollercoaster That Is Life

He told me it's too much drama. I can't say he's wrong. I wish I could just not deal with it like him. He doesn't communicate, only expects you to go his way.

From January 2018 until September 2019, my son was in a BootCamp and YDC, yes he deserved it but it was still stressful for me. I was working a third shift job with people knocking at my door at about 2pm on random days. That would be like 2am for day workers.

He comes home in September and there are all sorts of issues with his behavior for me and just not following probation guidelines more and more over time. Again stressful for me. Then in February of 2020, my son takes off to Florida to be with a girlfriend and needs me to pick him back up a month later. So just as I got laid off for COVID, I take a trip to Florida to get my teenage brat.

Come back and just a couple weeks later my son beats on me when I get onto him about something. I kick him out. He winds up in a car accident at the end of May. He had a TBI and it was thought he'd be lucky to wake up in 6 weeks. Seven weeks later this particular rollercoaster is done and I'm bringing him home because he's definitely not completely back up to par.

There are several appointments a week right now. The (ex)boyfriend is looking for reasons to be mad at the kids and I each day since my son comes back. He wants a reason to kick him out. Considering the situation, I'm sticking up for my children. The ex is even trying to tell me my daughter is doing wrong constantly when she's not. Drama-yes there's drama, but it's not all us when you're looking for reasons to put us out. I'm sorry that you lost interest in me and apparently don't like being part of a family. You don't want to do things for your own mother and get mad when anyone asks you to do something even if it's on your way.

So now it's time for me to go back home and try to live again. Though this time I have no intentions of getting cozy with anyone. I believe I'm better off alone.

Tough Love

I grew up abused as did my brothers. When I was 12, I tried to make my father accountable for it and was sent back to home because there was no concrete proof. My dad led the house with fear.

In life, I've had one physically abusive boyfriend and several mentally/emotionally abusive ones. I am not by any means perfect and have made some very stupid decisions.

I refuse to let my son abuse me any longer. Over time he's made accusations towards me that were untrue and I only mildly tried to correct them. I mostly just let him say those things for whatever sympathy he's looking for. I've had him seeing counselors since he was in the 3rd grade and after trying to change his diet to avoid medications and it not working out, I allowed the medications. The medications fixed one thing but brought on others. He also has a strong enough mind to fight his medications. What I try to teach him is wrong, he goes and does. The last straw for me was when he beat on me at the end of March 2020. All the times he took off (ran away basically), all the things he broke (walls, doors, windows) and I put up with it. But breaking my face up is not something I can just let him come back with.

He was staying somewhere and couldn't properly follow their rules or work so they kicked him out yesterday. I am trying to find another place for him to stay even if it means me somehow paying for it along with my own bills on less than 1k a month earnings. But I will not let him back in my home. He hit the bigger of his younger sisters before me and she didn't want me to push the issue. The youngest is very small and I'm not going to chance he does to her like he did me.

The argument the day he hit me started with the fact that he cut the screen so he could sneak in his bedroom window without waking us since he never follows curfew even though the adults in the home have to work early in the morning. I asked him how he's gonna get it fixed. Then he started in with everything that's wrong with me, as usual, to deflect blame away from him. Finally he got mad enough with the fact that I wasn't having it that he tossed a wood chair at me. I pushed the top of it off me and flipped it back. Then he started wailing on me. I had bumps and bruises all over my head, face, back, legs, and arms. I will not allow this situation to happen again even if it puts me in jail for telling him he can't come back. 

I taught him to value family, not step on them. I may doubt the job I'm doing a lot of the days as a parent, but I will NOT allow another person to abuse me so long as a I live.

Success Classes

In July 2019 I took what's called a Success Initiative Class. This is a local offshoot of Circles USA. Unfortunately the local one doesn't keep up with it's Facebook page, but you can learn some about how to get in contact with them this way.

There are technically 12 classes, one day a week for 12 weeks. They do a morning session at times that is brought down to six or seven classes because it's a slightly longer class. And the evening sessions are a full 12 as far as I know. 

A few of the classes were... 
Succeeding with Success: This is where you get the basic info of the class just like on the first day of schools. You basically get a syllabus and a glossary of the terms used in the classes.

Thriving and Surviving: You learn the difference between the two and how to get out of survival mode as much as you can. I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and we talked a little more in depth about that.

Using SMART Goals: I personally hate doing these. I can write down my goals, but the SMART goals asks questions I sometimes have a hard time answering.

The purpose of the classes is to give resources and knowledge to try to get out of poverty and the poverty mindset. I wish I could share the actual resources but was told that I can't because they are proprietary.

So Little Time

I am constantly busy for the longest time so haven't been able to get on here much. It takes a lot of working to have enough money to get by. So here's a catch up post. It'll probably be long.

My teenage daughter is visiting with her father for the first time right now. They are a couple states away and I'm missing her like crazy. But she wanted to spend time with the other side of her family and he seems to have grown up in the last few years and wants to be a part of her life. She's having a good time so far.

My 16 year old son is about to come home from boot camp. He seems to have matured a lot while he's been away. It's been a year-and-a-half since he went to the boot camp.

My littlest one is doing fine. She's being referred to little clubs at school on how to make friends. They should probably stop worrying about that so much as she'll have friends when she stops meeting stuck up and superficial kids. I want her to continue being herself.

I'm working on things for our family. I've started catching up on old bills and getting myself slowly out of the holes I dug in my early 20s. I'm trying to get us a home.

I've been getting lots of calls and texts for supposed jobs from one of the sites I've put a resume on. It annoys me because they don't tell me where they are calling from. With that, I just tell them how I have a job for now. I'm not going to indulge an unknown prospect. None of them have been in my area either. I'm not driving an hour away for a job. I'll struggle close to where I live instead of spending most of what I make just to get there.

I've lost interest in trying to hang out with people. My 'friends' out here don't seem to like that I'm never available. I just don't want to spend every single day running around town any longer. I have things at home to do when I'm not working. I also have no choice but to go to a laundry mat because this crappy apartment complex doesn't allow washers and dryers in the units. There are many things wrong with these apartments because of how old they are and the lack of care by the owners in trying to update them.

That's it for now. Some of it good, some of it a complaint. That's life. Thanks for reading.

Why Do People Insist on Chatting During a Game?

I've been playing COD quite a bit lately. I missed this game. There are so many people that just want to talk everyone's ears off. I have a headset and mic for two reasons. One is to blurt out where I was killed for my teammates. And the other is so that my children don't hear the crap people say on the game(there's quite a bit of racist hate speech for a game).

There was this chick complaining about people that don't talk. Honestly, incessant chatter or even chewing in my ear from nasty individuals is quite distracting and annoying. I think she was looking for attention, which is fine. I'm guessing females like her are the reason that many days I get some idiot who decides to tell me he hasn't gotten off in three days, or other sexual information I don't give a crap about.

I wish these guys could get the same treatment they give me in a way that they would feel just as annoyed or disgusted. I'm not there looking to get laid, morons. I'm not there to chat. I'm there to attempt to kick some butt. And although I may not be very good at it, it is calming and therefore an escape from the day.

One of the Low Days

Just a few weeks before they got married

I tried to go to sleep at the time my kids and my boyfriend do last night, but only wound up sleeping 3 hours because of it. So it's more like a long nap. I like being awake when it's quiet usually. It's the best time to think and get things done.

Today would have been my parents 49th anniversary. Now that my dad has passed, I wish I'd really reconciled with him. I was nicer to him once I moved away and at least tried to behave as though I didn't hold a grudge, but I did. His punishment for my brothers and I was always harsher than normal parenting. I should look at it as paid for in the suffering he endured at the end of his life. I think I'm beginning to finally feel that way.

I remember that on their anniversary they would have us hang out in our rooms early in the evening as a prepayment for being able to stay up on New Year's Eve when we were very young. Mom and dad stopped having their parties by the time we got to Florida in 1986. The journey getting there was really something too. We spent quite a few months in a van, living at state parks, rest areas, and places to fish on the way to his last home. I remember it as being fun, but we were fleeing the State of Washington and their corruption at the time. Hidden somewhere my dad left some paperwork about details of which I don't actually have knowledge. And that paperwork got him an honorable discharge instead of AWOL and jail-time.

Well, that's the end of this thought or trip down memory lane. Until the next time...

Children - Stay the Hell Out of Trouble

I wrote this 7/20/18 and contemplated it for a long time before posting. I don't feel quite as angry as I did then but feel the info is still relevant. So I'm posting.

Children aren't really supposed to know the hardships. But when they seem to deliberately cause them by refusing to control their anger they definitely need to know. In my area, if your kid gets into trouble, YOU have a lot of work to do. They can still run off on you and not listen for quite some time before they have to face consequences. Your time allotments and the unwillingness of a job to let you move your schedule around are, of course, your problem. Appointments will be made and if you don't show up you could spend time in jail for a non-compliance.

And a big fat F you to anyone who says this is completely the parent's fault when their child won't listen. You want to know who else doesn't listen to the parents or help them sometimes? Counselors, schools, psychiatrists, and even police. When you keep calling because your kid takes off the police will tell you they're tired of coming out there. OK, I'm tired of calling you but I have to because stupid people help my child act delinquent.

Some counselors just tell the parent they should let their kids do whatever makes them happy and encourages the child in thinking they have the right to just take off (to cool off). The child may perceive some police to be telling them this too. The child takes advantage of this. And before you tell a parent to spank their child. In Florida, if you spank your kid anywhere but their bottom, more than I think 2-3 whacks, and it leaves a mark lasting more than 30 minutes (sucks if your kid marks easily) you have a very good chance of losing them. Where I am it seems to be that it just can't be excessive or an actual hit (punch, slapping around; you know, actually abusive stuff).

Then there is everyone around you telling you how a portion of your way of doings things isn't right and telling you in front of your children so that they learn what you say means nothing. Must be nice to be so confident that your brat is perfect even if they are rude to others and maybe bullies.

Life is Actually Pretty Good Right Now

I complain a lot. I guess I have to have something to complain about sometimes. But I sat and thought today and my complaints are little compared to the good in my life right now.

My children and I have a place to sleep. It's not ideal, but it exists.

We have food and when we don't eat it's really our own fault. You know, looking in the cabinets and fridge and not wanting what's there is very different from something not being there.

We have a family support system. We are far from my blood family but have a chosen family here that helps where and when they can. That is such a blessing!!

Things are far from perfect and we can always strive to improve on what we have, but I feel very rich at the moment for what I do have. Not money, that would definitely be helpful, but what we have is enough. I'm actually feeling content. It's been a long time since I had this calm. Especially with it being the holidays. I always feel antsy during the holidays since my mom's passing, yet I'm very calm right now and almost looking forward to Christmas celebrations. I want to work toward visiting my brothers, though.

Anyway, this was just a short update. Stay safe and I hope that this finds anyone who reads it well. Or gives them some hope.

Holidays on the Way

I dislike the holidays since my mom passed. I am pretty much forced to celebrate them more extravagantly than I care to. I'm fine with just hanging out at home and making special desserts for the family. But now I have to do get-togethers if I want to keep those around me happy.

Each year it seems like I have less to celebrate. Things are definitely looking up lately, but I'm still not in a mood to celebrate. My seasonal job looks like it may become year round and it's great paying. Plus, I like being there. Most of the people are easy to get along with. I have found that late teens/early twenties are a cocky little bunch. I wonder if that's how I acted at those ages. It's annoying as hell.

My 13-year-old daughter is so secretive and it drives me nuts. I couldn't create the relationship I had with my mother. I wonder if she is lying to me or to her friends. With them she's all doom and gloom and with me everything is 'fine' even though I know it's not completely fine. It truly sucks when your kid starts learning to be shady. I'd like to say the other kids are teaching it but I don't really know.  She was always well-behaved for me before last year's crap. Some kids are bullying her on her school bus from what a friend of hers told me.Some other girl is pissed off that she is now dating the boy that broke up with that girl. I think those two things are connected.

My 16-year-old is doing better last I knew. He's supposed to be getting out of Youth Detention soon. Won't be coming straight home from it, but at least there's a chance he won't spend his life in jail at this point.

My 9-year-old is still the odd one out with her peers. It's funny how I had kids that were so beautifully themselves and the ones around them ruin their image of themselves. I don't want them to be like everyone else. Their uniqueness is slowly dying though.

The chickens are all laying now. It's so awesome. Unfertilized fresh eggs are the best! I may get to try fresh sausage and rabbit sometime soon. I really do love being in an area with a lot of rural community around. I might feel differently if I'd grown up here but I love it as is. I just don't like the gossipy nature of this place.

It's weird to have so much good around me but still feel alone. I'm kind of waiting for something to go wrong. That's the way it always has been. I'm hoping it continues to look up, though. Going to start doing some other projects soon and will talk about them.

Wishing for the Dull Moments

"Never a Dull Moment" is a phrase that seems to have encompassed my entire life so far. There's always some crisis going on. Some say they wouldn't trade anything, but if I could go back in time and know just enough to change things I would. I would do things differently.

My 13 year old has started becoming depressed enough to cut herself. She has mentioned suicide to her friends. I tried to make their childhood a happy one, but it seems like everything I do has only made it worse for them than what I had. I grew up not really having a value for my life. I don't remember having a death wish, but I wasn't overly concerned with anything happening to me either. I didn't have a care free childhood. I tried to make things different for my children but failed miserably as it seems.

A few months ago she told me she wanted to talk to her father so I finally reached out. I'm terrified of him from what we went through but it seems he may not be like I remember anymore. Since she hates being home with me to a point she is plotting ways to put me in jail (talked about not going to school so I go to jail for her truancy), I gave her the option of living with her father instead. She hasn't made a choice yet.

It hurt my heart to suggest it to her, but I want her to be happy. Not by getting whatever she wants or by running as rampant as some of her "friends" do. But maybe she'll feel more loved with a parent that has a family to turn to when needed. Or enough of a family to keep a better eye on her than a single mother that has no real help or trust in anyone.

It doesn't help that she bases her happiness on boys though. She likes this boy that as far as I can tell is only playing all the girls around him to see who he can lay. It really does suck how teaching your kids doesn't seem to help them not make those mistakes.

I guess only time will tell.

The Beach

I used to love going to the beach. It was the only place I felt free and truly calm. Whether I went alone, with friends, or with family. It was my sanctuary. I bring this up today because my daughter has the chance to go on a field trip to a beach and I am going to do whatever I can to come up with the money for her to go. I want her to feel that freedom. It's scary as hell because anything can happen but the chance that she can feel what I have even for a second almost seems worth the chance that bad things can happen.

My counselor tried to play devil's advocate with me letting my new boyfriend watch my littlest when there is no one else. Because she knows what we've already experienced. I explained to her that if I let those experiences run my life, I'd never let the kids go out the door.

You see, growing up, there were news stories of kids being duct taped to a wall in a daycare in my area and of kids getting their throats slit in a bathroom in a national park. Shootings still happened back then, as well as other catastrophe that could scare us all into never leaving our homes. War has been eminent forever because people just suck in some ways. Yes it can happen to anyone. But you cannot let those things stop you from attempting to live. Or from letting your children live.

This world has never been perfect. But there are so many perfect moments in a world with so much in which to lose faith. I'm not being religious either. I'm talking about humanity. There are some that would lay down their life for a stranger and others that would torture their own family. You don't always know which is which.

Back to the beach. I'd been to not even half of the Florida beaches.  Cocoa Beach was the one most often visited. It got a little uglier as I got older but it's where I pretty much grew up. I saw the sunrise there so many times and it is the most beautiful thing I've seen. There's a calm like no other in watching that sunrise. I hope that everyone gets to experience that calm one time in their life.

Been Working on Rasing Chickens

A few months ago my boyfriend and I were talking about when/if we move in together and where we wish we could live. During the conversation I said to him "Ooh find out if we can have chickens", and he just kind of looked at me. A few days later he started looking into having chickens and told me he'd been wanting them as well. So since then we've been working on this.

So we started out building the pen area from an old dog pen. And, of course, cleaning the area.

Got the shelving out.

Got the big debris out.

All clean, time to move the pen.

Spot where the pen is going to go.

Door Frame on the pen.

The chicks arrived!! They are so adorable!!

Chicks in their little brooder box while we work on the pen.

They're in this while we clean the brooder box.

Working on the door.

Door on the pen now.

Chicken wire added to the pen and door.

Chick's first time in the pen for a bit. They won't be staying in it until 6 weeks or so.

They've started getting on top of the water and foo.

Adding dirt mounds to the sides to help deter other animals.

Next visit to their soon to be home. They've gotten bigger!!

Coop frame.

Look how big! They are a little over a month old and already the wings are getting them to unknown places!

Coop done! Just to put on finishing touches like vents.

Now the chickens are home.

It took about a month and a half to finish the coop. In actual hours I'd say maybe a couple days but who has time to only do this. I helped with what little he would let me do and we are going to be expanding it a bit over time. We started with 12 baby chicks and still have 12 chickens. They aren't laying yet, but they're happy and healthy!! He already saved them from a couple snakes.

My Realization

I started this post in May 2018

I am thinking a lot today. I saw my counselor. Told her some of my feelings. She actually validated some of them rather than telling me I was wrong. She has been trying to help me use my "wise mind" more than m emotional mind to make decisions. When I open up about some of the things in my past she has told me I actually handled them well.

The fact that I raise my voice may not be good, but what I actually say isn't usually wrong. Yes I've been unable to prevent some things from happening and, although there are people that like to throw it in my face, I am human. What she keeps reiterating to me is that I am responsible for how I handle things, not how others view my way of handling them or how others react to my emotions. She's right. I need to keep myself in control and not let others influence my behavior as much.

I am realizing what I want. I want to work, but not so much that I am not being there for my family. I want to raise my own children. I don't like relying on others at all. I want to make enough to pay my bills and have what is needed without sacrificing my children's time. I don't need to go on expensive getaways. I just need enough to pay bills, get what we need, and have money to take them somewhere fun now and then that's not expensive.

Family Death #4 Since 2012

On Sunday, June 24th, 2018 at 3:09pm EST SFC Manuel A Rios (1963 to 1986), passed away. He served in Vietnam (2nd Battalion, 28th Regiment, 1st Infantry Division). 

He was not a perfect person. But he did take care of his family in what I assume was the way he thought best. For some of us it worked, and for others it did not. He also worked very hard until he could no longer do so because of health reasons. 

He married Frances T Manno in 1969 while she was with child and gave that child his name. With her, he had 5 additional children. At his time of death four are still living. He has also had more than 10 grandchildren. 

He took care of his wife until her death in 2012, with some assistance from his children during her last few years. After her death, his health visibly and rapidly declined. In the end, his body was no longer utilizing the nutrients from food or liquids and he had Dementia. My source for this information is my older brother, who was taking care of him.

I cried like a baby when I saw the text from my brother that my father was dead. I won't even hide that. I care about my family, even the ones I don't speak to. I hope that he has the peace in death that he couldn't have in life.

                                                           

So Many Thoughts

1. There's a pastor in my neighborhood (I'm in a pretty religious area so there's a few and it generally doesn't bother me because I do have faith, I just try not to shove it down people's throats) that has been singling me out that I'm supposed to help her. The more I talk to her the more aggravated I'm getting with this. I believe that if God really spoke to you, you'd know how to better get help from me. It sure ain't bringing up the fact that you are a minister of God and that you're supposed to get help (even if it isn't said as directly me). It's not dropping all those hints either. If you need my help you ask. Just like I have to actually ask for help even though I hate asking. My dad taught me God helps those who help themselves. I may not have liked him or agreed on many things, but there are things he said I believe to be true.
2. People look at me and see that I look white so they think I had it easy.  There are times that if my skin color was seen before my last name, yes, things worked in my favor. I will admit that I know it has happened. However, the flip side is that when my last name was seen first it worked the opposite. There are also times my last name has worked to my advantage. I'm not as naive as people think I am. The fact that I don't actually speak any Spanish dialect well hinders me.
3. I'm a single mom and make it work some of the time so people tend to think I have more than I do. I get my bills paid, but it's very hard to do. I don't get any child support. I do receive food stamps and I do work my ass off to make what I can for the bills - no welfare or social security that two of my children should probably be on. Every item of clothing we have in my home is a hand-me-down in some fashion or someone has bought as a gift for one of us. All of my furniture was given to me by generous people who would rather see them go to someone than the trash. I attribute this to my kindness towards those people rather than my skin color. I help how I can but cannot stand when people expect the help because they think I have an imagined advantage over them.
4. My current boyfriend is very good to me. Especially considering he has to tear down walls that I've put in place. My previous one was also good to me for the most part but was not, as my children are now telling me, good to them when I wasn't around. I do know they could possibly be making a portion of it up or exaggerating. But I will choose my children over anyone and anything in this world. 
5. I'm being told how I should discipline my children by everyone around me. I do spank at times, it takes something pretty serious for that kind of correction. But I will not beat them because you think I should for something that bothers you more than it does me. I will also tell them how I see it and not sugar coat it more for those of you that think I'm too harsh. You can't please everyone and I have my reasons for doing things the way I do them. 
6. I miss my son. He has been so hard to handle for so many years and I know this boot camp he's enrolled in is helping him, but I miss him like crazy. 
7. I'm trying to save to see my dad, who was in the hospital recently. Well, he still is really he is being observed and tested. He will be going to a facility to try to help him regain some motor control. I know he'll never get all that much better. He's in his 70s, after all. I started a 'GoFundMe' for this and it's being seen but only got help from a couple people that know me. I do realize my kids seeing him before he dies is not important in this world compared to what else is out there. Seeing family after you move is a bit of a luxury. I just hope my children won't resent me too much if we can't. I don't like that I have to move money to my account as it comes in. That makes it seem like I have money I really don't because it's for a specific purpose.
8. My 12-year-old is becoming darker than I would like. I miss her shine. Seeing that beautiful innocence leave your child is heartbreaking even though you know the reasons behind it.

That's where my current sleep-breaking thoughts end. I hope I didn't darken anyone's day much, but I'm getting them out there for anyone that may need to see they are not alone.

Beauty Is Relative and Sometimes Offensive

I see stories of hot women and see people calling some of them ugly. One of my daughters has someone on musically calling her ugly. My youngest has had other kids in class call her ugly or tell her that I am. When the girls tell me this, all I keep saying is 'everyone is ugly to someone and beautiful to another'. The same as 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. People love to push their thoughts on others and too many take this to heart. That's why the ones pushing their view do this. They know it will get someone going, or upset. This goes along with being offended.

There have always been people that are offended by everything and there have always been people that try to push their offense on others. This is nothing new. Many people just don't like to leave others in peace. Trying to get this through my children's minds and help them learn to let it go is not easy. I guess even I have done this in some ways.

We have the statues that are being torn down here. I don't like some of it but it reminds me of what ISIL is doing to the history across the sea from us here.

People aren't able to speak their minds, even though our constitution in the US says they can. In all honesty, the Constitution here doesn't differentiate between it being hateful or not that I remember.

News has always been at least partly biased, but now it's being called fake news. Think of how boring it would be to read if it only stated facts without the biased parts. They wouldn't sell any of it most likely. Emotion is what taints things but also what sells it.

I feel much of this is only an issue now because of how widespread people's thoughts are. My blog is an example. I post what I feel and think, some people read it, some of them care and some of them don't. Others just don't read it. Which is fine with me. I put this out there so people can know they are not alone in their thoughts or the things going on around them. I know I'm not the only one that goes through the things I do.

I'm in a DBT group. I'll get the words of the acronym up eventually. The other people in it have been through more than me as far as I can see but each of us deals with what we have differently. Each of us cares about events at a different level. Many only really care about what they can see directly affecting themselves.

These are my thoughts anyway. You can agree or not but they are being said. I lost my train of thought here so will end it here.

FINALLY!!! SOMETHING I ACTUALLY SEE GOING BETTER

OK, there are a few things I'm super excited about: