I Bought a Puerto Rican Cookbook - Review

Before I start this post, I want to say I'm not affiliated with this person or seller, I just wanted to put something out there I am happy with. 

I was missing the foods I grew up with and couldn't remember how to make them myself. So I went searching for different Puerto Rican Dishes and found a YouTube Video for Arroz con Gandules. From there, I found this cookbook. I decided to buy it and see how close the recipes are to the way my dad made them.
So far, I have made Bacalaitos (codfish fritters) and Pollo Guisado (chicken stew). Let me tell you the flavor is so close to my dad's! I'm extremely happy with this book! I was even more excited to find a recipe for Pasteles and Pastelillos de Carne (called Empanadillas by my dad while I was growing up).
Looking at the ingredients and descriptions of the foods, I can tell they are pretty close to what my dad did. They taste oh so good too! This book will be a well-worn book for me so I can get these recipes stuck inside my head.
The best part, I'm showing my children a little of their heritage and they're loving it so far!

Tough Love

I grew up abused as did my brothers. When I was 12, I tried to make my father accountable for it and was sent back to home because there was no concrete proof. My dad led the house with fear.

In life, I've had one physically abusive boyfriend and several mentally/emotionally abusive ones. I am not by any means perfect and have made some very stupid decisions.

I refuse to let my son abuse me any longer. Over time he's made accusations towards me that were untrue and I only mildly tried to correct them. I mostly just let him say those things for whatever sympathy he's looking for. I've had him seeing counselors since he was in the 3rd grade and after trying to change his diet to avoid medications and it not working out, I allowed the medications. The medications fixed one thing but brought on others. He also has a strong enough mind to fight his medications. What I try to teach him is wrong, he goes and does. The last straw for me was when he beat on me at the end of March 2020. All the times he took off (ran away basically), all the things he broke (walls, doors, windows) and I put up with it. But breaking my face up is not something I can just let him come back with.

He was staying somewhere and couldn't properly follow their rules or work so they kicked him out yesterday. I am trying to find another place for him to stay even if it means me somehow paying for it along with my own bills on less than 1k a month earnings. But I will not let him back in my home. He hit the bigger of his younger sisters before me and she didn't want me to push the issue. The youngest is very small and I'm not going to chance he does to her like he did me.

The argument the day he hit me started with the fact that he cut the screen so he could sneak in his bedroom window without waking us since he never follows curfew even though the adults in the home have to work early in the morning. I asked him how he's gonna get it fixed. Then he started in with everything that's wrong with me, as usual, to deflect blame away from him. Finally he got mad enough with the fact that I wasn't having it that he tossed a wood chair at me. I pushed the top of it off me and flipped it back. Then he started wailing on me. I had bumps and bruises all over my head, face, back, legs, and arms. I will not allow this situation to happen again even if it puts me in jail for telling him he can't come back. 

I taught him to value family, not step on them. I may doubt the job I'm doing a lot of the days as a parent, but I will NOT allow another person to abuse me so long as a I live.

Well HELLO

It's been a very long time since I even attempted to keep up with this and, if anyone actually kept up with me, I'm sorry. We all know we've been going through this COVID-19 scare. I'm somewhere in the middle of believing a few conspiracy theories because I have too much time on my hands.

As a housekeeper at a local attraction site, I'm non-essential because it has been temporarily shut down. Even though there is plenty to keep me busy at home, I miss work terribly. I worked at a place with some great people. It's one of the few businesses I've worked for that actually care if you have a family to take care of by yourself. I also have worked for a local tobacco plant seasonally for a few years as a forklift operator. I thoroughly enjoy both of those jobs though they can both be very tiring.

My son is about to be 18. Hopefully he'll do well on his own. K is about to be 15 and I have to start planning her sweet 16. I hope to make it as enjoyable and memorable as possible considering I don't have much. And my youngest is doing pretty well. 

I guess I can finally say I feel at home. I haven't felt that way since my mom passed on. I still battle depression and my own mind but am getting better at that too. I have been feeling more gratitude for what I have and trying to focus less on the negatives.

Finally got child support paid off thanks to this stimulus. I should have gotten some of it according to what I read but I didn't. It's ok. I have to start working on my school loans from 12 years ago as much as I can and I might finally be out of debt. I hope to be out of debt before I die so I don't leave that for my kids to take care of.

I had so much in mind to say but am now drawing a blank. I will try to keep up with this but can't make promises, even being out of work I have plenty to keep busy. 

Peace and love to all.

My 23andme DNA Results

I very recently decided to get my DNA done with 23andMe(My referral link) so that I could find out more about my heritage. I knew my father was born in Mayaguez, Puerto Rico and my mother was a first or second-generation American-Sicilian born in Brooklyn, New York. I grew up not knowing any of my relatives and knowing my heritage became more important to me after having my children. 

The fact that each of my children has a different father and those men were still making more babies made me think it was important to do this so that maybe my kids won't wind up with a family member. Growing up, I was pretty much an outsider to all the ethnicities around me so didn't care yet. After seeing how many DNA relatives are around, I think I'm kind of lucky I didn't end up having a child with a relative. There are eight DNA relatives where I grew up. I have 344 DNA relatives that show up in the continental US alone.

Here are my ancestry results

All the places with color are where my DNA comes from.

The colors with each area correspond to the map

I decided not to expand this for the other regions

And it gives a timeline to go with when your most recent possible relative from that area was a full-on type of that nationality.

I had no idea of much of this ancestry. And neither did my parents. I also did the DNA health assessment  for myself. All but two things came up negative for certain health risks. Those two things said there was not likely a risk.

After doing this, I have really come to believe it is something everyone should do. Whether or not you want to know of your family history, it would be good to do so that there is less chance of anything incestual. There are many more families out there with situations similar to mine.

Also, the DNA traits were pretty spot of for things that didn't have too many variants. It knew I'd either have brown or hazel eyes. My mother had hazel and my father brown so I figure it was a pretty close bet either way. It said I would likely have lighter skin, which I do. I don't burn, but I don't really tan all the dark either. The fact that mosquitoes are likely bite me very often. I was pretty impressed and hope they continue to research.

Lastly, there is an option to get all of your reports in a hardcover book. I can't currently afford this and am sure the information will be expanded as they research so don't consider it currently necessary.

Now my disclaimer, although my referral link gives me up to $20 for each referral, I am not otherwise affiliated with this site. They are not paying me to advertise for them. They just happen to be what I went through.

One of the Low Days

Just a few weeks before they got married

I tried to go to sleep at the time my kids and my boyfriend do last night, but only wound up sleeping 3 hours because of it. So it's more like a long nap. I like being awake when it's quiet usually. It's the best time to think and get things done.

Today would have been my parents 49th anniversary. Now that my dad has passed, I wish I'd really reconciled with him. I was nicer to him once I moved away and at least tried to behave as though I didn't hold a grudge, but I did. His punishment for my brothers and I was always harsher than normal parenting. I should look at it as paid for in the suffering he endured at the end of his life. I think I'm beginning to finally feel that way.

I remember that on their anniversary they would have us hang out in our rooms early in the evening as a prepayment for being able to stay up on New Year's Eve when we were very young. Mom and dad stopped having their parties by the time we got to Florida in 1986. The journey getting there was really something too. We spent quite a few months in a van, living at state parks, rest areas, and places to fish on the way to his last home. I remember it as being fun, but we were fleeing the State of Washington and their corruption at the time. Hidden somewhere my dad left some paperwork about details of which I don't actually have knowledge. And that paperwork got him an honorable discharge instead of AWOL and jail-time.

Well, that's the end of this thought or trip down memory lane. Until the next time...

Children - Stay the Hell Out of Trouble

I wrote this 7/20/18 and contemplated it for a long time before posting. I don't feel quite as angry as I did then but feel the info is still relevant. So I'm posting.

Children aren't really supposed to know the hardships. But when they seem to deliberately cause them by refusing to control their anger they definitely need to know. In my area, if your kid gets into trouble, YOU have a lot of work to do. They can still run off on you and not listen for quite some time before they have to face consequences. Your time allotments and the unwillingness of a job to let you move your schedule around are, of course, your problem. Appointments will be made and if you don't show up you could spend time in jail for a non-compliance.

And a big fat F you to anyone who says this is completely the parent's fault when their child won't listen. You want to know who else doesn't listen to the parents or help them sometimes? Counselors, schools, psychiatrists, and even police. When you keep calling because your kid takes off the police will tell you they're tired of coming out there. OK, I'm tired of calling you but I have to because stupid people help my child act delinquent.

Some counselors just tell the parent they should let their kids do whatever makes them happy and encourages the child in thinking they have the right to just take off (to cool off). The child may perceive some police to be telling them this too. The child takes advantage of this. And before you tell a parent to spank their child. In Florida, if you spank your kid anywhere but their bottom, more than I think 2-3 whacks, and it leaves a mark lasting more than 30 minutes (sucks if your kid marks easily) you have a very good chance of losing them. Where I am it seems to be that it just can't be excessive or an actual hit (punch, slapping around; you know, actually abusive stuff).

Then there is everyone around you telling you how a portion of your way of doings things isn't right and telling you in front of your children so that they learn what you say means nothing. Must be nice to be so confident that your brat is perfect even if they are rude to others and maybe bullies.

Holidays on the Way

I dislike the holidays since my mom passed. I am pretty much forced to celebrate them more extravagantly than I care to. I'm fine with just hanging out at home and making special desserts for the family. But now I have to do get-togethers if I want to keep those around me happy.

Each year it seems like I have less to celebrate. Things are definitely looking up lately, but I'm still not in a mood to celebrate. My seasonal job looks like it may become year round and it's great paying. Plus, I like being there. Most of the people are easy to get along with. I have found that late teens/early twenties are a cocky little bunch. I wonder if that's how I acted at those ages. It's annoying as hell.

My 13-year-old daughter is so secretive and it drives me nuts. I couldn't create the relationship I had with my mother. I wonder if she is lying to me or to her friends. With them she's all doom and gloom and with me everything is 'fine' even though I know it's not completely fine. It truly sucks when your kid starts learning to be shady. I'd like to say the other kids are teaching it but I don't really know.  She was always well-behaved for me before last year's crap. Some kids are bullying her on her school bus from what a friend of hers told me.Some other girl is pissed off that she is now dating the boy that broke up with that girl. I think those two things are connected.

My 16-year-old is doing better last I knew. He's supposed to be getting out of Youth Detention soon. Won't be coming straight home from it, but at least there's a chance he won't spend his life in jail at this point.

My 9-year-old is still the odd one out with her peers. It's funny how I had kids that were so beautifully themselves and the ones around them ruin their image of themselves. I don't want them to be like everyone else. Their uniqueness is slowly dying though.

The chickens are all laying now. It's so awesome. Unfertilized fresh eggs are the best! I may get to try fresh sausage and rabbit sometime soon. I really do love being in an area with a lot of rural community around. I might feel differently if I'd grown up here but I love it as is. I just don't like the gossipy nature of this place.

It's weird to have so much good around me but still feel alone. I'm kind of waiting for something to go wrong. That's the way it always has been. I'm hoping it continues to look up, though. Going to start doing some other projects soon and will talk about them.

Wishing for the Dull Moments

"Never a Dull Moment" is a phrase that seems to have encompassed my entire life so far. There's always some crisis going on. Some say they wouldn't trade anything, but if I could go back in time and know just enough to change things I would. I would do things differently.

My 13 year old has started becoming depressed enough to cut herself. She has mentioned suicide to her friends. I tried to make their childhood a happy one, but it seems like everything I do has only made it worse for them than what I had. I grew up not really having a value for my life. I don't remember having a death wish, but I wasn't overly concerned with anything happening to me either. I didn't have a care free childhood. I tried to make things different for my children but failed miserably as it seems.

A few months ago she told me she wanted to talk to her father so I finally reached out. I'm terrified of him from what we went through but it seems he may not be like I remember anymore. Since she hates being home with me to a point she is plotting ways to put me in jail (talked about not going to school so I go to jail for her truancy), I gave her the option of living with her father instead. She hasn't made a choice yet.

It hurt my heart to suggest it to her, but I want her to be happy. Not by getting whatever she wants or by running as rampant as some of her "friends" do. But maybe she'll feel more loved with a parent that has a family to turn to when needed. Or enough of a family to keep a better eye on her than a single mother that has no real help or trust in anyone.

It doesn't help that she bases her happiness on boys though. She likes this boy that as far as I can tell is only playing all the girls around him to see who he can lay. It really does suck how teaching your kids doesn't seem to help them not make those mistakes.

I guess only time will tell.

The Chickens

Our chickens are giving eggs! That's not a pic of them because I can't seem to find it. That's a pic of tomatoes from the garden. I need a new camera. At 4 months old, our chickens started laying this week and we ate our first set this weekend. I am so excited. I've been wanting to raise chickens for eggs for so long. It's wonderful to see a dream come to fruition.

Some updates:

Still doing the floor job but the seasonal forklift job hasn't started yet. Hopefully that one will start soon so I can work on these old bills I need to take care of. Been scraping by with the current bills but working it out.

My son is doing pretty good in the facility he's in and I hope he keeps it up. His counselor wants to add more to my plate because I never seem to have enough appointments to attend.

My daughters are doing OK. The older one has to see a counselor now. She talks about suicide now. The younger one is being her spoiled self.

My Realization

I started this post in May 2018

I am thinking a lot today. I saw my counselor. Told her some of my feelings. She actually validated some of them rather than telling me I was wrong. She has been trying to help me use my "wise mind" more than m emotional mind to make decisions. When I open up about some of the things in my past she has told me I actually handled them well.

The fact that I raise my voice may not be good, but what I actually say isn't usually wrong. Yes I've been unable to prevent some things from happening and, although there are people that like to throw it in my face, I am human. What she keeps reiterating to me is that I am responsible for how I handle things, not how others view my way of handling them or how others react to my emotions. She's right. I need to keep myself in control and not let others influence my behavior as much.

I am realizing what I want. I want to work, but not so much that I am not being there for my family. I want to raise my own children. I don't like relying on others at all. I want to make enough to pay my bills and have what is needed without sacrificing my children's time. I don't need to go on expensive getaways. I just need enough to pay bills, get what we need, and have money to take them somewhere fun now and then that's not expensive.

Family Death #4 Since 2012

On Sunday, June 24th, 2018 at 3:09pm EST SFC Manuel A Rios (1963 to 1986), passed away. He served in Vietnam (2nd Battalion, 28th Regiment, 1st Infantry Division). 

He was not a perfect person. But he did take care of his family in what I assume was the way he thought best. For some of us it worked, and for others it did not. He also worked very hard until he could no longer do so because of health reasons. 

He married Frances T Manno in 1969 while she was with child and gave that child his name. With her, he had 5 additional children. At his time of death four are still living. He has also had more than 10 grandchildren. 

He took care of his wife until her death in 2012, with some assistance from his children during her last few years. After her death, his health visibly and rapidly declined. In the end, his body was no longer utilizing the nutrients from food or liquids and he had Dementia. My source for this information is my older brother, who was taking care of him.

I cried like a baby when I saw the text from my brother that my father was dead. I won't even hide that. I care about my family, even the ones I don't speak to. I hope that he has the peace in death that he couldn't have in life.

                                                           

So Many Thoughts

1. There's a pastor in my neighborhood (I'm in a pretty religious area so there's a few and it generally doesn't bother me because I do have faith, I just try not to shove it down people's throats) that has been singling me out that I'm supposed to help her. The more I talk to her the more aggravated I'm getting with this. I believe that if God really spoke to you, you'd know how to better get help from me. It sure ain't bringing up the fact that you are a minister of God and that you're supposed to get help (even if it isn't said as directly me). It's not dropping all those hints either. If you need my help you ask. Just like I have to actually ask for help even though I hate asking. My dad taught me God helps those who help themselves. I may not have liked him or agreed on many things, but there are things he said I believe to be true.
2. People look at me and see that I look white so they think I had it easy.  There are times that if my skin color was seen before my last name, yes, things worked in my favor. I will admit that I know it has happened. However, the flip side is that when my last name was seen first it worked the opposite. There are also times my last name has worked to my advantage. I'm not as naive as people think I am. The fact that I don't actually speak any Spanish dialect well hinders me.
3. I'm a single mom and make it work some of the time so people tend to think I have more than I do. I get my bills paid, but it's very hard to do. I don't get any child support. I do receive food stamps and I do work my ass off to make what I can for the bills - no welfare or social security that two of my children should probably be on. Every item of clothing we have in my home is a hand-me-down in some fashion or someone has bought as a gift for one of us. All of my furniture was given to me by generous people who would rather see them go to someone than the trash. I attribute this to my kindness towards those people rather than my skin color. I help how I can but cannot stand when people expect the help because they think I have an imagined advantage over them.
4. My current boyfriend is very good to me. Especially considering he has to tear down walls that I've put in place. My previous one was also good to me for the most part but was not, as my children are now telling me, good to them when I wasn't around. I do know they could possibly be making a portion of it up or exaggerating. But I will choose my children over anyone and anything in this world. 
5. I'm being told how I should discipline my children by everyone around me. I do spank at times, it takes something pretty serious for that kind of correction. But I will not beat them because you think I should for something that bothers you more than it does me. I will also tell them how I see it and not sugar coat it more for those of you that think I'm too harsh. You can't please everyone and I have my reasons for doing things the way I do them. 
6. I miss my son. He has been so hard to handle for so many years and I know this boot camp he's enrolled in is helping him, but I miss him like crazy. 
7. I'm trying to save to see my dad, who was in the hospital recently. Well, he still is really he is being observed and tested. He will be going to a facility to try to help him regain some motor control. I know he'll never get all that much better. He's in his 70s, after all. I started a 'GoFundMe' for this and it's being seen but only got help from a couple people that know me. I do realize my kids seeing him before he dies is not important in this world compared to what else is out there. Seeing family after you move is a bit of a luxury. I just hope my children won't resent me too much if we can't. I don't like that I have to move money to my account as it comes in. That makes it seem like I have money I really don't because it's for a specific purpose.
8. My 12-year-old is becoming darker than I would like. I miss her shine. Seeing that beautiful innocence leave your child is heartbreaking even though you know the reasons behind it.

That's where my current sleep-breaking thoughts end. I hope I didn't darken anyone's day much, but I'm getting them out there for anyone that may need to see they are not alone.

Definitely Time for a Change

I have decided I'm going to switch this blog up a bit. I've been wanting to do more uplifting things. Not saying I'm not going to rant anymore but am going to get rid of some of my old rants. Going to clean the blog of my past relationship and just keep what I find more meaningful out of my past posts.

My father has dementia that is getting really bad and I doubt he has a whole lot longer left. As soon as I can make that trip it will become part of my blog. I'm praying I can do that while he is still alive. If anyone would like to help my kids and I out there, you are welcome to donate. There was a time I was against handouts. I'm over that now. I've made a gofundme page too.

My son is definitely doing better at this boot-camp. I only got to talk to him once since he's been there. He's trying hard to be done in the minimum time. I believe he can do it and I miss him. 

My daughters are doing well with our new home and their new schools. I'm working now and it'll be enough to make the bills when I start getting paid and for however long these projects last. 

Well that's all for now. Have a great day!!

FINALLY!!! SOMETHING I ACTUALLY SEE GOING BETTER

OK, there are a few things I'm super excited about:

Just updates for March 2018

First....

Another Loss

DO NOT WEEP 

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

~ Author Unknown 

HOPING

Got a place to live. The seasonal job has ended. I got a prospecting job to check out Friday, but that doesn't look like it'll be doable. My son is in a facility, for now, that will determine what they think his needs are. He has plans to run away with a girlfriend and help her take care of her little sister. My girls are seemingly happy in their new schools. Basically, it's a relatively normal mix of good and bad in a not so normal situation.

Starting Over Pt 2

Things are mostly better now. I'm working an out of the home job and getting out of the house with the kids. Have some people around me that can tolerate my children and seem to actually enjoy our company. They are the absolute most helpful people ever and I know I can't show them how much I truly appreciate their help. Not yet, at least.

I have found that my ex has said things that are untrue to people about me. That's fine. I had to ask him to stop texting me to make accusations about my child. My ex's daughter has posted a video with the situation a bit wrong, again fine. I'm trying to move my children and I forward. I'm just hoping they don't see it.

I've kept the situation quiet because it's not one that should be public. I've been accused of untrue things and the other party has had nothing happen. Yet the others keep telling everyone about a situation they have no right to broadcast and without all the facts, just to make me and my children look bad. I'm getting so very frustrated. 

While trying to move on and start over, I've actually been happy. It seems as though this garbage is going to pop up just to keep me in a bit of a depression. I shouldn't let it bother me, I know. I'm trying to work on not caring about anything but my children. It's not easy.

My children and I are all seeing counselors now. What they have to say is interesting. I don't have complete thoughts in my head right now, just a lot of frustration and mixed emotion so will end it here. Have a great week or month all.

My Homelife - Originally Written 6/26/2016 12:47 PM

I am posting this 6/30/2017 because I am no longer worried about creating waves that are already there.

Today, I am deep in thought and reminded of this poem:

I'm Single Again

I'm not happy that my now ex and I are splitting up but it needed to happen at this point. The kids haven't wanted us together for a long time, if ever. It's gotten to be too much to bare. My children are constantly making accusations and I don't know what's true even if I don't want to believe any of it.

When it comes to your children, you have to worry about them. The relationship was for me not them. Although I, personally, have nothing bad to say about him. I'm pretty sure he has plenty to say about me.

I could tell when he was upset with me and wouldn't say it to me. He has been less happy for a while and I worry too much about how the others in my life feel so I wasn't really happy anymore. I know I'm "crazy". Maybe my life is an excuse for it and maybe it's not. Because of me (even though I told him not to do this), he didn't talk to his friends pretty much at all, he didn't go out when I could tell he needed to. I would tell him to go because I was the one with smaller children that no one wanted to babysit.

I will fix my "Family" section on the blog to reflect this after I have moved and gotten settled. Luckily, I have one family member willing to help me with a place to stay. I know that I'm a hard person for anyone to deal with and once I get settled I need to just stay on my own. Maybe I can re-figure what I'm good at and start this back up with a gusto. Or I might even write through the pain.