Reflections of my Father

I am thinking about my dad a lot lately. He has Dementia and keeps forgetting that the home he has lived in for the last 20+ years is his home. He keeps forgetting my mom and oldest brother passed away. My 2nd oldest brother is the one taking care of him and keeps getting backlash for the fact that my dad will just walk off. So far my dad has called my voip number twice and left the phone off the hook when I didn't answer. I know because my brother lets me know. The first time he called, my father left a message that he taught me meant trouble when I was younger. I tried calling for about half an hour while texting my sister-in-law so she could relay to my brother. I offered to have my dad stay with me because someone is always here but my brother is the only one who can somewhat get my dad to listen.

Picture older than me, but how I see my dad when I think of him. x

This is so hard for me to...comprehend, I guess that's the word I need. It's hard to know my dad can be in need of help in the manner that he needs. My dad was a soldier in the Vietnam War, a drill instructor at one point, and a hardass father. I could tell he cared, but he gave us all tough love on many situations. I grew up thinking, like many kids might, that my dad just enjoyed being mean.  I wasn't allowed to roam like my brothers could. I got reprimanded for things I still think were too little to matter at times. I rebelled during high school and made some very stupid mistakes for a few years after. I got a little wild when I got that first dose of freedom after turning 18.

I did start turning things around and trying to be a better daughter when I realized that if I needed them, my parents would help even if we hadn't been talking for a while. I hope that, at that point I started trying again, my parents noticed. I'd hate to think that my mom didn't know I cared when she passed away. Even though my dad doesn't always remember now, I hope that he will know that his kids love him. For all his meanness had a method and reason.

This post is probably as much jumbled together madness as my mind, but it's what was on my mind. I am hoping that my dad doesn't have to suffer and become a prisoner of the system much more before he is at peace.