LIFE KEEPS GOING

It's been oh-so eventful...

So I got myself in trouble trying to keep the house, which turned out to be a bit of a money pit. I should've known a 100-year-old house would be falling apart. Realistically, it needs new electrical all around. It works, but it costs too much, and good wiring tends to stay on the lower end even in this economy. Gas heating is overrated. I had gotten into a relationship with someone that could be as violent as my son. So now I have holes to fix. I let someone rent it for a short time and their kids have torn it up further. During this time I've also struggled with essential homelessness.

I started staying at a friend's to help clean up the place and care for their pet. After their husband died I started trying to sell their stuff for them. She would have succeeded in selling some things if she didn't want outrageous amounts for the age and the fact that the area is cheap. Well, they kept trying to talk me into setting a room up for the baby (I was nearing the end of a pregnancy by this point) and I didn't because I didn't feel I'd need to be there long enough to bother.  But I was there two months and nowhere near done before they said they sold the house in order to get me to move. I had given my other friend a 6-month lease in my home because I figured that's how long I would need to take care of the other's home. So here I am essentially homeless. During all of this I realized her trying to talk me into creating a baby room was for her niece who was just as pregnant as I. I cut ties because I also realize this isn't the first time she pulled shady crap like that. Offering me help and cutting it short for whatever hair got up her bottom. She tries to play my mother more than my friend regardless of the countless times I keep trying to remind people my parents passed away. 

My other friend has let her kids tear up things that were at the house before I bought it. Two very nice planters that I found cost over $200, so I'll not be able to replace them any time soon. I'm going to do what I can to fix it back up a bit and sell it at this point. I can't stand my neighbor. I don't like people who try to dictate the lives of others. That's a story for another time.

Life is Actually Pretty Good Right Now

I complain a lot. I guess I have to have something to complain about sometimes. But I sat and thought today and my complaints are little compared to the good in my life right now.

My children and I have a place to sleep. It's not ideal, but it exists.

We have food and when we don't eat it's really our own fault. You know, looking in the cabinets and fridge and not wanting what's there is very different from something not being there.

We have a family support system. We are far from my blood family but have a chosen family here that helps where and when they can. That is such a blessing!!

Things are far from perfect and we can always strive to improve on what we have, but I feel very rich at the moment for what I do have. Not money, that would definitely be helpful, but what we have is enough. I'm actually feeling content. It's been a long time since I had this calm. Especially with it being the holidays. I always feel antsy during the holidays since my mom's passing, yet I'm very calm right now and almost looking forward to Christmas celebrations. I want to work toward visiting my brothers, though.

Anyway, this was just a short update. Stay safe and I hope that this finds anyone who reads it well. Or gives them some hope.

The Beach

I used to love going to the beach. It was the only place I felt free and truly calm. Whether I went alone, with friends, or with family. It was my sanctuary. I bring this up today because my daughter has the chance to go on a field trip to a beach and I am going to do whatever I can to come up with the money for her to go. I want her to feel that freedom. It's scary as hell because anything can happen but the chance that she can feel what I have even for a second almost seems worth the chance that bad things can happen.

My counselor tried to play devil's advocate with me letting my new boyfriend watch my littlest when there is no one else. Because she knows what we've already experienced. I explained to her that if I let those experiences run my life, I'd never let the kids go out the door.

You see, growing up, there were news stories of kids being duct taped to a wall in a daycare in my area and of kids getting their throats slit in a bathroom in a national park. Shootings still happened back then, as well as other catastrophe that could scare us all into never leaving our homes. War has been eminent forever because people just suck in some ways. Yes it can happen to anyone. But you cannot let those things stop you from attempting to live. Or from letting your children live.

This world has never been perfect. But there are so many perfect moments in a world with so much in which to lose faith. I'm not being religious either. I'm talking about humanity. There are some that would lay down their life for a stranger and others that would torture their own family. You don't always know which is which.

Back to the beach. I'd been to not even half of the Florida beaches.  Cocoa Beach was the one most often visited. It got a little uglier as I got older but it's where I pretty much grew up. I saw the sunrise there so many times and it is the most beautiful thing I've seen. There's a calm like no other in watching that sunrise. I hope that everyone gets to experience that calm one time in their life.

Just updates for March 2018

First....

Reflections of my Father

I am thinking about my dad a lot lately. He has Dementia and keeps forgetting that the home he has lived in for the last 20+ years is his home. He keeps forgetting my mom and oldest brother passed away. My 2nd oldest brother is the one taking care of him and keeps getting backlash for the fact that my dad will just walk off. So far my dad has called my voip number twice and left the phone off the hook when I didn't answer. I know because my brother lets me know. The first time he called, my father left a message that he taught me meant trouble when I was younger. I tried calling for about half an hour while texting my sister-in-law so she could relay to my brother. I offered to have my dad stay with me because someone is always here but my brother is the only one who can somewhat get my dad to listen.

Picture older than me, but how I see my dad when I think of him. x

This is so hard for me to...comprehend, I guess that's the word I need. It's hard to know my dad can be in need of help in the manner that he needs. My dad was a soldier in the Vietnam War, a drill instructor at one point, and a hardass father. I could tell he cared, but he gave us all tough love on many situations. I grew up thinking, like many kids might, that my dad just enjoyed being mean.  I wasn't allowed to roam like my brothers could. I got reprimanded for things I still think were too little to matter at times. I rebelled during high school and made some very stupid mistakes for a few years after. I got a little wild when I got that first dose of freedom after turning 18.

I did start turning things around and trying to be a better daughter when I realized that if I needed them, my parents would help even if we hadn't been talking for a while. I hope that, at that point I started trying again, my parents noticed. I'd hate to think that my mom didn't know I cared when she passed away. Even though my dad doesn't always remember now, I hope that he will know that his kids love him. For all his meanness had a method and reason.

This post is probably as much jumbled together madness as my mind, but it's what was on my mind. I am hoping that my dad doesn't have to suffer and become a prisoner of the system much more before he is at peace.