Wishing for the Dull Moments

"Never a Dull Moment" is a phrase that seems to have encompassed my entire life so far. There's always some crisis going on. Some say they wouldn't trade anything, but if I could go back in time and know just enough to change things I would. I would do things differently.

My 13 year old has started becoming depressed enough to cut herself. She has mentioned suicide to her friends. I tried to make their childhood a happy one, but it seems like everything I do has only made it worse for them than what I had. I grew up not really having a value for my life. I don't remember having a death wish, but I wasn't overly concerned with anything happening to me either. I didn't have a care free childhood. I tried to make things different for my children but failed miserably as it seems.

A few months ago she told me she wanted to talk to her father so I finally reached out. I'm terrified of him from what we went through but it seems he may not be like I remember anymore. Since she hates being home with me to a point she is plotting ways to put me in jail (talked about not going to school so I go to jail for her truancy), I gave her the option of living with her father instead. She hasn't made a choice yet.

It hurt my heart to suggest it to her, but I want her to be happy. Not by getting whatever she wants or by running as rampant as some of her "friends" do. But maybe she'll feel more loved with a parent that has a family to turn to when needed. Or enough of a family to keep a better eye on her than a single mother that has no real help or trust in anyone.

It doesn't help that she bases her happiness on boys though. She likes this boy that as far as I can tell is only playing all the girls around him to see who he can lay. It really does suck how teaching your kids doesn't seem to help them not make those mistakes.

I guess only time will tell.