Wishing for the Dull Moments

"Never a Dull Moment" is a phrase that seems to have encompassed my entire life so far. There's always some crisis going on. Some say they wouldn't trade anything, but if I could go back in time and know just enough to change things I would. I would do things differently.

My 13 year old has started becoming depressed enough to cut herself. She has mentioned suicide to her friends. I tried to make their childhood a happy one, but it seems like everything I do has only made it worse for them than what I had. I grew up not really having a value for my life. I don't remember having a death wish, but I wasn't overly concerned with anything happening to me either. I didn't have a care free childhood. I tried to make things different for my children but failed miserably as it seems.

A few months ago she told me she wanted to talk to her father so I finally reached out. I'm terrified of him from what we went through but it seems he may not be like I remember anymore. Since she hates being home with me to a point she is plotting ways to put me in jail (talked about not going to school so I go to jail for her truancy), I gave her the option of living with her father instead. She hasn't made a choice yet.

It hurt my heart to suggest it to her, but I want her to be happy. Not by getting whatever she wants or by running as rampant as some of her "friends" do. But maybe she'll feel more loved with a parent that has a family to turn to when needed. Or enough of a family to keep a better eye on her than a single mother that has no real help or trust in anyone.

It doesn't help that she bases her happiness on boys though. She likes this boy that as far as I can tell is only playing all the girls around him to see who he can lay. It really does suck how teaching your kids doesn't seem to help them not make those mistakes.

I guess only time will tell.

Judgement

Today I was told by a friend that they don't like what they heard one of us say to our children. Telling one of them to shut up and the fact that I called the boys idiots for something idiotic they have both done. That I should just ignore what they say to me and pick my battles. I like this person and respect that they felt the need to express themselves but it doesn't change all we've gone through trying to get the boys help and the fact that they raised their voice at me in front of my child. To me that is undermining and disrespectful to do to a parent. If you don't like how they do things, then talk to them away from the children. You don't ever tell a parent they are wrong in front of their child. I'm saddened by the fact that I will no longer hang out with them. If they want the kids to hang out with theirs that is fine but I'm out. If my children don't pull the things to them that they have to others - great. If they do and it s upsetting, I am not surprised and will not sympathize.

It's so easy for people to judge you because they only see part of the story. They don't see it all and there has been a myriad of people who don't seem to mind undermining me in front of my children. Either because they think I'm too hard or too soft on my kids. One side thinks that I'm rotten to my children and the other thinks that I just let my children run rampant.

One side seems to think I should not tell my children when they are being downright stupid or acting as if I've never taught them lessons on how to behave.

The other side hears the things my children say or sees what they pull and thinks I just let my children do whatever they want and that I should be beating on them for the stupidest of things.

No matter what I do, someone is going to have a problem with it so I will keep doing things in the way I do. If they act stupid I will tell them (such as stealing). If they are being a bit loud but not so much that it doesn't bother me I will ignore it. I pick my battles in life as well as in my family. My family is the most important thing in the world to me and everyone else is just there. I am a parent, not a friend to my children. My children will not run my household, the breadwinners of the household will run it.

Person County Schools Second Annual Technology Fair

I'M BACK!!!

Hi there! I had to reinstate this blog and everything because I didn't have access to my account for a long time, but I'm back! I can't say that I'll be a more regular poster but I sure will try.